How and why I started working out after 35 years of Slothfulness

If you're familiar with this blog or know me in real life, you likely know that I spent the first 35 years of my life being totally sedentary and truly, embarrassingly lazy. I still get asked by people what made me start working out. To see where I am today, I feel, is nothing short of amazing. But how did I get here? It started in my head, in my thoughts. While I have blogged about it a few times (see here, here, here, and here), I want to address it again and include some insight and perspective that I acquired along the way.

It's so easy to coast through life, living every day without giving what you're doing much thought, telling yourself "I'll do xy or z someday"; but unless you stop and think about where you are and what you are doing and where you want to go, you'll miss out and wonder where the time went - years will go by and those things will never happen.

Something in me woke up when I was turning 35. It was like a cold slap in the face. I asked myself why I was living in a way that upset me so much - I hated my body. I hated how I looked and I hated the way I felt about myself and my life. In short, I hated myself.

But I realized that I was responsible for how I looked and felt. I had become the sum of my poor food and activity choices, which the world could see no matter how hard I tried to hide them. I knew that unless I did something about them, I was going to continue to live that way, or possibly even worse. I reluctantly accepted that I wasn't going to wake up one day and be happy with my appearance or myself, I had to work on it. I had to make a commitment to change. Because if I had made the choices that brought myself to that point of despair, depression and self loathing, surely I could make different choices that would lead me in the other direction.

Being close to 200 pounds and desperate to lose weight, I joined the YMCA in September 2006. I didn't have any expectations at that time either - I didn't expect to keep my membership for very long and I certainly didn't think I would ultimately change my body, my attitude towards activity or my life overall. But that's exactly what happened. (And I still say it's one of, if not THE best decisions I ever made in my life.) And there were two basic trains of thought that jolted me from the couch and got me to the gym: 1) Appreciating my body and 2) Facing my own mortality.

1) APPRECIATING MY BODY:
There are people who are born with physical limitations, and people who later develop limitations, whether through accident or illness. I tried to imagine how horrible it must be to know that your body is physically incapable of doing certain things and how difficult it must be to accept that fate. Yet here I was with a perfectly able body that was just being wasted and neglected - a body that was fully functional but not being used to its potential, if at all. I felt guilt and shame for taking that for granted when I knew there were people that would probably do anything in their power for the chance to do something as simple as walk.

2) FACING MY MORTALITY:
I also thought about the fact that I'm not going to live forever, I'm not going to get another chance to be the age I am now, and this is not a dress rehearsal: I am never going to live this life again. I have one chance to make my life as awesome as possible, and I was tired of throwing it all away, taking it for granted, and making myself miserable in the process. I will be dead one day. Who knows when? It could happen tomorrow. I better enjoy what precious little time I have here! I had already missed out on my entire youth (grade school, teens, 20's, half my 30's) being fat and unhappy and I knew that I did not want to live like that anymore. I realized that I had a chance to take back my life, that no one could do it for me, and that the only one stopping me was me. If I wanted to enjoy whatever youth I had left, and the rest of my time on this planet, I needed to change. Immediately.

While those thoughts may be a little intense for some people to wrap their heads around, it was those precise lines of reasoning that got me to join the gym. But unfortunately, joining is not enough, you need to actually attend and move :). And if you're wondering, yes, it was difficult at first. When I initially started working out, I did not like it at all. I was so out of shape that any little thing I did was exhausting. I was embarrassed about how I looked and self conscious about how quickly I would get out of breath and have to stop. But I continued doing it because I felt like it was my last chance to get the life I wanted. I *had* to do it, so I did it. And after not too long (about 10 weeks), I *wanted* to do it and looked forward to it. That brings me to where I am today...

Recently I had a very scary moment that made me appreciate my body all over again - days before the Century Bike Tour, while I was in punk rope class, I had an incredibly sharp pain in my ankle. The pain was so intense, I had to stop immediately. I tried cracking my ankle and stretching, then jumping again, but it still hurt too badly. I had to finish the rest of the class putting most of my body weight on the other leg. Because my jumping was compromised that way, it meant I couldn't do the crosses, double jumps and other fancy moves that I love doing. This was greatly upsetting to me. I hated being limited in that manner. And when it came time to do the relay, I realized I could not participate because I could not run. After years of avoiding running because I hated it, I suddenly wanted to run, but I could not. My body would not allow it.

I was so overcome with emotion at that moment that I left class and began to cry in the hallway. I thought "What if there is something seriously wrong? What if I will never be able to jump rope or run again?!" It was a really scary feeling. The thought frightened and frustrated me but simultaneously I was amazed at what it meant: I was actually upset that I couldn't run! I never thought the day would come when I would be upset by that, but I was beyond upset. I was terrified. I never wanted to run more than I did at that moment - when I feared the option to do so had been taken away from me forever.

Standing in the hallway, I realized it was another significant moment for me - I reminded myself that I can not and would not take my body for granted. I still didn't know what was wrong but I wanted to believe that my injury was temporary and that soon I would be able to run and jump again. And when I was able to, I would remember how I felt at the time that I couldn't use my body, and I would be motivated by that experience.

And I did just that!

Within a few days I was back to normal (I think I just didn't warm up and stretch properly that night) and at the first opportunity, I got back on the treadmill to run - because I COULD. It was exhilarating! I used the memory of how scared I was that I might not ever be able to run again, and pushed myself a little bit harder - because I could. At that moment, I was so grateful to be able to run. I've used that memory in other classes since then too, reminding myself to push myself a little harder and do what I can *while* I can.

So whether you have never worked out or if you have been slacking off in the activity department, keep all of that in mind. You're not guaranteed anything in life. You're lucky to be alive and fortunate enough to do whatever it is you are capable of doing. But any of that can be taken away at any moment, so don't regret what you should have done when you had the opportunity. Do it now, while you can. Enjoy your body and the amazing things it can do. You'll probably even surprise yourself by what you are able to do - things you never thought possible. Things like riding a bike through 5 boros in the rain, or riding a bike for 70 miles or doing a 5K. As I like to remind myself often, "The only thing stopping me is me". Don't stop yourself. Anything's possible. The choice is yours. Do it... while you can.




On an unrelated note, I'd like to thank Amber for including this blog in her list of 50 Excellent Women's Health and Beauty Blogs. Check out her list, you may find more blogs that you enjoy. (Thanks, Amber!)